My NY Times Interview - How Romantasy Saved My Sex Life.

Pregnant at 21 - Baby at 22

Married at 23

Pregnant at 24 - Baby at 25

Pregnant at 26 - Baby at 27

Opened a fashion boutique from the ground up at 28,

Foster Parent certified at 28 - Foster parent to a 1-year-old at 29-31...

Yes, my doctors repeatedly told me that my missing libido, lack of energy, fatigue, and brain fog were all "normal life stresses" from being a mother and business owner. I wasn't going to let that define my intimacy and the orgasms I craved with my husband.

Rediscovering Myself

In my early 30s, I started craving to remember who I was. I wanted to feel like my full expression of Brittani again. That girl was hilarious and wise. She danced to music all the time, loved sensuality and sexuality, and thrived on deep, meaningful conversations. She connected with the stars at night and believed the trees could feel her.

But I lost her in the daily grind of being a busy mother, business owner, and wife.

The Awakening

I started reading books like Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent, The Wild Woman's Way by Michaela Boehm, and The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kid. Each of these books brought pieces of myself back and led me on a beautiful, feminine, spiritual awakening. But that wasn’t what changed everything sexually.

I was trying. I was reading and learning about myself with amazing books like She Comes First and Come As You Are, but nothing connected with my body in a way that resonated with my mind and soul. I was still overthinking. I felt overwhelmed, as if there was always a lingering sexual expectation from my husband that I wasn’t meeting.

I would bristle away from his touch because it came with his need for intimacy, and I felt like I was failing him. I HAD NO DESIRE! I HAD NO LIBIDO! I WAS BROKEN! The doctors told me it was "normal." I felt hopeless. I turned to friends who said to try making it fun by playing sexy games. Friends that recommended i just relax. Friends that recommended i have a drink or some weed to try to help. Not one thing sounded or felt right for me. These were people shooting in a barrel and offering their own broken advice while missing the entire point.

A Turning Point

While reading books like Circe and Sistersong, Audible recommended I listen to A Touch Of Darkness by Scarlett St. Clair. It’s a modern-day Hades and Persephone retelling, and I was deep into Goddess wisdom, so it made sense as my next read. I’ll never forget texting my husband, saying, "I think this is a smut book," while sitting on the couch with red cheeks.

Me. Brittani, with no limits or filters, blushing while listening to a book.

Hades made her kneel at his desk, and I loved it. He saw her darkness, not just her light and challenged to see her own power in both. He was intrigued and wanted it all. He challenged her to step fully into the unknown and be open to all aspects of herself, especially the ones her mother tried to crush under shame and fear. BUT THEN he "lapped at her nectar" while he "worshiped her with his mouth"... and I became undone.

Yes, I read it out loud to my husband through tears! It did something to my entire being to read that a woman was seen fully and worshiped by a man who loved her and wanted ALL of her. This was my missing puzzle piece. I wanted to feel this. I wanted to feel worshiped. I wanted to be seen in the fullness of my sexuality, sensuality, creative feminine flow, deep-rooted rage, and passion. All of it. I was holding back so much of me out of fear that my husband wasn't strong enough to hold and love each piece.

A New Understanding

This book opened my eyes to a love, belonging, and acceptance that I didn’t even know I was craving.

After sharing all this with my husband, he simply told me, "That's how I see you. I see my goddess, and I do want to worship you and revel in your sweet nectar." KNEES- GONE. I was on the floor. Why hadn’t we had this realization before? Why wasn’t this known knowledge between us? He asked if he could show me how he wanted to worship me and that I had to be honest with how I felt—body, mind, and soul.

Nothing has been the same since that day.

Embracing Intimacy

I enjoyed oral for the first time in my life in my 30's! I felt it all, and it felt like deep love and adoration for my being from his. I was out of my head and inside my body. I did not make one move or sound that wasn't an automatic response to the experience we were sharing.

I devoured the entire A Touch Of Darkness series and shared every detail with my husband. I started noticing how he stood taller, carried himself with more confidence, and showed me more affection that was not sexually specific. This all helped me lower my guards and soften into him, just like I watched Persephone do with Hades. It was almost like we were dating again. Everything started to feel flirty, spontaneous, and rooted. Non sexual physical touch became our norm all with no cares as to how others saw us in public while we caressed or held one another.

Exploring New Horizons

I didn’t stop there. My big sister told me to trust her and just read Fourth Wing... a book about a war college and dragon riders. Insert major eye roll here. =) But can I just say I had NO SHAME when I googled a fictional man named Xaden and sent it to my mom, saying, "This is my new boyfriend." I told my husband everything again. Xaden didn’t see Violet as weak and fragile like everyone else. He called her "Violence" as he teased, trained, and eventually ravished her.

It had my people going for sure, and I was excited to start new things like boxing because I wanted to be a fighter too! I wanted to be seen as small and sweet but capable of laying a grown man out. I wanted my husband to see this fire in me and help flame it instead of diminish it, and he did. He hung my heavy bag for me. He took me to the local pro boxing shop. He bought me classes for jujitsu and boxing at a local female-only self-defense gym, and our sex life THRIVED!

The Journey Continues

With every book I read and every love story I unfolded, I recognized my own missing pieces and desires in my heart. I shared all of this with my husband, and he was more than happy to step up and meet each one of my new challenges. He truly listened to my revelations and wanted to take part in deconstructing and reassembling our sexual relationship.

I’d read about men and how they felt sexually or what their experiences were, and then I’d be curious about my own husband’s. I asked him questions like, "What’s your favorite position? Do you enjoy oral, and if so, why don’t you ask for it? How come you’re silent during sex? What would you feel like if you just took what you wanted from me and only focused on your feelings and sensations?"

He was shocked by most of my questions because he had never thought of any of this!

A New Chapter

It was never about comparing or getting lost in another world to escape my own. I was witnessing relationships unfold and acknowledging what they brought up in my own body. Each book was a mirror for me and ultimately a roadmap for finding my way back home to myself. Romantasy and dark romance (my favorite) made me feel seen and gave me new perspectives that I was missing in my own life.

Conversations were had, and new revelations were made with my husband. We are now the most authentic, curious, passionate, dedicated, and connected we have ever been. I love his touch and don’t bristle away. There’s no feeling of obligation or failure sexually between us. There’s no need to quicken the experience to get it over with, but instead, there’s a constant desire for more. My body responds to his touch with almost a reverent neediness for more instead of a stiff and guarded reaction.

I know not everyone reads a book and sits with the experiences and emotions to see how they resonate in the real world, but I do, and it healed my marriage and our sexual connection in a way that I never imagined.